You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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