last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
