at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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