I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
