Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
