Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
