this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We left the knife in your bed.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
this is an emotional support booty call
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
