I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I could make wine with my vomit
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
