mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
