Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
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I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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