But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
