Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
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The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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