did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
