He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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