Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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