true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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