a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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