I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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