I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
