the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
