We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
