Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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