I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
