If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
