His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
