You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
