My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
