I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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