May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
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This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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