Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Boobs are out for the taking
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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