im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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