My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
