if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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