so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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