i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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