I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
