i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
