Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
