This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
