He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
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Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
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Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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