just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
