The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Randomize
