Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
