Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
