Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
