i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
