He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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