i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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