There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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