Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
