she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
