i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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