listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
