based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
